People of Britain, I believe I’d make a braw Prime MINIster.

Aye, I know cows don’t normally wear rosettes – unless they’ve just won the best of breed at their local agricultural show – but I have political aspirations.

As the self-appointed leader of the Vardy Party, I’ll happily drive around my local constituency canvassing voters.

I’ll be polite and try not to park in anyone’s flower beds or on top of their pets. And I solemnly swear on this copy of the Highway Code not to sound my horn when driving in a built-up area between the hours of 11.30 pm and 7.00 am.

Anyway, I have a MINIfesto. It may be a wee bit shorter than the main parties’, but who cares? I think you’ll agree it’s much better.

I solemnly swear that, if elected, I will:

1) Outlaw gingerist remarks and criminalise all ginger discrimination
2) Confer “sacred” status on cows of all descriptions
3) Introduce cow tax credits
4) Turn Heathrow airport into pasture
5) Guarantee free petrol for all cars that aren’t built like shopping centres on wheels
6) Make parking free for all MINIs

Jings. Will you look at the date? The election’s this Thursday. I’d better get some leaflets printed now. Got to dash.

Cheerio!

Phew. I think that went rather well. My readers are a really intelligent bunch. Not to mention attractive. Hang on: is this blog still switched on…?