I’d like to think I’m a pretty modest, down-to-earth Peter Vardy MINI/cow mash-up. But when I woke up on Wednesday 3 February to see myself on page 1, page 2 and (no giggling at the back) page 3 of the Motors section of the Scottish Sun, I just had to accept what the rest of the world sees.

And that is: I’m pretty damned gorgeous. I mean, just look at the pictures. 200 head of worryingly frisky cattle can’t be wrong.

I’ve since been asked to sign hundreds of copies of the Scottish Sun supplement by fans. But biro-wielding isn’t really my thing. So to leave my version of an autograph, I ask my fans to put the paper down on the ground and I drive over it.

Tyre marks are as individual as fingerprints. Fact.

Actually, I made that up. It might be true. But, then again, it might not. Don’t look at me: I’m not Hamish fae CSI Auld Reekie.

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