They may look cute or funny to you, but some of these vehicles will be giving me disturbed dreams for weeks.

I mean, just look at ’em: they’re Frankenstein’s monsters with pneumatic tyres. Try to see it from my point of view. If a mad surgeon grafted the head of a retired boxer onto a cheerleader’s body and then, for an extra bit of light relief, attached another couple of arms and a webbed foot, you’d be sleeping with the light on for a while, too.

And don’t you dare look at me like that, sir/madam. I’m COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to any of the cars here. I’m not a refugee from Barnum & Bailey’s circus. I’m just a jaw-droppingly gorgeous (or so they tell me) Peter Vardy MINI with a wee bit of cosmetic enhancement. Y’know, with the odd horn or two grafted on. And some tufts of supplementary body hair.

So: I’m an ordinary Scottish MINI with just a little something extra. A certain je ne sais quoi. And I’m determined that, come what may, naebody's gonnae weld a phone box or hot-dog stand onto ma erse.

I hope that’s clear.