Ever heard of the loony dook? On New Year’s Day, people with not nearly enough body fat on them rush over to South Queensferry to fling themselves into the icy water by the Forth bridges.

They do this not just because they’re potty, but also to raise money for charities. If they’re smart, they’ll choose a charity that cares for people who’ve had frostbitten genitals.

I’d love to join these mad swimmers; of course I would. But being submerged in water plays havoc with my electrics. As I know from the time that a local band on a low budget found they couldn’t afford a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, and drove me into a swimming pool instead. Even now, in the height of summer, my footwells still honk of chlorine.

So I’ll be watching from dry land. If you do come along to join in the fun, I might let you warm yourself against my radiator grille. Or even, if I like the look of you, my bonnet. Check out the details at http://www.theloonydook.co.uk